Float like a butterfly, sting like VEE, YOU CANT HIT WHAT YOU CANT SEE

I went thru hell, and i came out with the devils pitch fork, that nigga aint shit!!!

I wanted to quit varisty a month and a half ago, i was getn the worst marks ever, even after actually studying, attending lectures, and seeing a shrink...
Depression is powerful, that self-pity, and self-loathing consume you, u lose yoself, yo hope, and believe it or not quite a bit of yo mind...

They say the first sign of madness is talking to yoself, i was way beyond that. I was not only talking to myself, I was replying myself and having full blown heated arguments with myself. I was a hermit, anti social and preferred sitting in the dark on my own.

Come swot week, I spent 3 days trying to find inspiration to study... I found a whole lot of JACK SHUT!! i found more reasons to quit than anything else....

But I pulled a couple of all niters when the pressure was really on, and even prayed harder than ever, AND GUESS WHAT... 2 FIRSTS, 2 SECONDS... WITH AN 85 IN ECONOMICS

take that world!!!

float like a butterfly, sting like VEE, you can't hit what you can't see!!!!

Im just happy i pulled the biggest miracle ever. I walked out of so many of those exams, barely certain about whether I made 50%.

It really has so little to do with the marks, It's just that after so much going wrong in my life, I managed to make something go right. The mental strength it took to just open a book, knowing I hated what I was about to read, I hated life, and was sure I wouldn't be able to retain anything i study.

I'm bouncing back, I managed to pull myself together... I'm like a duracell bunny on fuckin crack... This is the little boost I needed to get it all together and re-conquer my world, and yours, and your sisters and your hot girlfriends'. I'm going to make this life mine, i refuse to be negative and dominated by fear and sadness and a lack of hope. I'm gonna live for the moment, squeeze every ounce of enjoyment out of every situation. I won't let death knock me down, only my death will stop me, but even that won't last long, whether i'm in heaven or hell, I'll party up a storm... two stepping on water or hell fire, don't matter much..

What are we going to do this semester brain? same thing we do every semester pinky, try to take over the world and fry our livers!!!

O.k. so maybe I might lay off the alcohol, I can't take many more years of drinking hard liquor before i need to steal yo liver. No, No, your liver will do. Especially if you are still in high school, or fresh outta high school, That will certainly do. Watch out for a white ford focus coming off the road and heading straight for you. You won't have time to act surprised, move bitch move!

O.k so maybe i'm on a bit of a high, why aren't you in one? Life is short, trust me I know, i.m 1.65m short.

Ladies and gents, i am back..tell your frends

Float like a butterfly, sting like a VEE, YOU CANT HIT WHAT YOU CANT SEE

hell, you have no idea

HELL.. that is a serious euphemism compared to what I have gone through. I haven't been fully functional in months, hence I haven't posted anything for months. When I found out my leg was permanently messed up and I would need surgery every 5 years, couldn't play sport, and would forever walk in pain, I thought life was being such a bitch to me, Little did I know that the expression, 'IT CAN'T GET WORSE THAN THIS' was sooooooo far from being right, it might as well have been on mars.

please understand I seek no-ones' pity, nor do i need anyone to understand what i am going through, I type it all out because at some level it helps me let go and deal. So does jack daniels and strong painkillers but that's just irrelevant.

So in about 3 and a half months I've lived through the pain of losing my sister, my niece and a good friend, all very suddenly and without warning. Most people would have seeked out help and maybe quit school for a while, or hung themselves or just fallen out of sync with themselves and have gone mad. Trust me we all think we can imagine the pain of losing a sibling, its unlike anything i could ever express, or accurately describe. It's frankly like trying to explain to a blind man what the last supper looks like, no matter how much detail you give, his constant haze of darkness and a lack of knowledge as to what the colour pink looks like, he could never understand.

I'm not one to get overly emotional, or to lose control easily, but one thing is for certain, when i heard the news, I was beyond stunned, I was walking on the sidewalk when my dad gave me the call, his tone usually gives nothing away, be it the joy of buying a new car, or being hijacked, he has a way of staying calm in all situations, but when I heard that sad undertone, I knew nothing was right in the world, because the solid immovable rock in my world was cracking. My good friend Martin was standing next to me, when I hung up, he looked at me and asked what was wrong, I took two steps and looked and at him and told him my sister was dead. I honestly think that is one of the worst places to be as a friend, you don't know what to say really, saying sorry just doesnt seem enough, saying nothing isn't an option, so you try and not seem completely at odds, so you keep saying you are sorry and inquire as to how the person passed away...

I was finally at peace, I had an awesome o-week, i was starting a new year and excited to be in some sort of intimate relationship, which wasn't dating, with a friend of mine. We had agreed that we would just be friends this year, but we ended up in each others arms the first day we saw each other after the vac. We happened unexpectedly and in a modern fairytale type romance (my version), we were to end in one too, to be explained later....

I was the unparticipating reason for the problems between my ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend , no matter who you are you know you love knowing someone out there still has the hearts for you. Call me evil but I get my kicks from all kinds of nasty things, like someone getting hit by a bus.

I had awards lined up, wasn't paying fees and my rents were giving me a bonus for not having to pay my fees, I was happy and most of all I had the ability to change the atmosphere in a room, and make everyone smile and laugh without effort.

As i walked to my res in absolute shock, everything was nothing to me, and hapiness became a myth for my world had been emmenced in pain and emptiness. My sister, gone, GONE. I grappled with the last memory I had of her, standing in the garage waving as we pulled out of the drive way and left for the airport at the end of january.

'Get strong and don't want you sleeping the whole day, so we can boot when i get back'.....last words i ever said to her. I'l never forget them, because as we left, I knew it was quite possible that we would be back before april to bury her, I told my brother just that at the airport and her agreed.

I hate being right sometimes, that was certainly one of the times. My world fell apart, my frends gather around me, they all came to see me, and they bought drinks, and like true rhodes students we did the one thing we could do in the situation, sit and drink.

I remember calling my then fling/friend/from public view girlfriend/ otherwise know as B or Bulelwa, asking her to come to my res as soon as possible. She asked what was wrong, I couldn't explain, i just asked her to hurry. Sure enough, 15 mins later she came up the stairs with vuyelwa in tow, hugged and held on to me as I whispered 'she's gone.' She knew immediately what i was talking about and didn't let go till i was ready to. With a single tear rolling down my cheek i smiled and said 'BMF' and opened my arms to hug vuyelwa, (bmf means BLACK MADA FUCKER', said in a nigerian accent, club incident). I hated having to tell anyone really, i hated having them in the uncomfortable situation of sitting in my room as i paced up and down trying to come to terms, not even terms, just trying to comprehend that a person who had been declared as ready to leave hospital the next day had passed away, just like that!!

The flight home, the funeral, the few days i spent at home after, all seem unreal , infact I honestly can say the rest of the year has just been a blur, its like when she died my conscious mind died too, and i have lived life in the same manner as people dream, in more of a viewers spot, with no control, just lost in sorrow, sadness, pain and unending torture and fear.

Looking at her in that coffin, peaceful and pale was something i had not prepared myself for, I brokedown inside, not one tear rolled down my cheek because behind me was my older sister and brother, and i knew i had to keep it together for their sakes at least, my sister was a flood of tears, she buried herself in my shoulder and just asked why!!!

Why is something i can't explain, but it is the reality of the world, the painful, gut wrenching, tooth pulling reality of the world.
In a world where you are surround by people, it is possible to feel alone and to be alone. And that is what i turned to, my world of safety, a world of passive participation in everything and one where I did the best to try and hide the pain and anguish I have been living in. They are things that I havent excepted, things I havent told people. and things I won't be able to type out, because they are a raw and sensitive nerve and cause such pain, anger and emotion that even you would be overwhelmed.

So I barely lived from day to day, with people doing their best to be sensitive to me, to give me their attention and to be as kind to me as they could be. B did her best to be there for me, holding me til I slept, being there everyday, anytime I called and patiently waiting for me to open up and let her in so she could help me. You did more than you could imagine, I did breakdown and you were there to hold me and talk and listen when i needed it most. You opened up to me, and let your world slowly merge with mine.

But i never really let anyone in, I did my absolute best to control my emotions, or at least my version of wat i felt was control. I hide emotion and sadness behind a mask of frankness and anger, quirkiness and sharp comments and comebacks. I let my emotions spill over in my arguments and little fights. That is the bulk of what she got from me, i changed from the fun loving, entertaining, jokeful, careless person i was, and became a bitter, anguished, short-tempered and explosive person.

She bared it all, in the many months we spent getting to know each other she never did see this side, the side with the potential to be cold, evil and uncaring....

I argued with her everyday, I forced my opinion on her and anyone else because I wanted no-one to have a say in what i thought, and even in what i thought was right. Because in my mind if you could change what i thought or what i believed, you could infiltrate the wall that protects, or more rightfully so shielded my emotions.
SO yeah I gave everyone the ' i'm fine' statement , I began going out again, drinking, attending lectures, and fake smiling. Everyone thought I was fine, she knew i wasn't and suggested i do get some help, I never did, and I do regret it.

Sleeping became a nightmare, but by seeing her face on most nites i was lucky enough to overcome my insomnia and actually pass out. When alone, I spent many nites in quiet and darkness, sitting, thinking, hurting, and sometimes crying and folding my fists soo hard my nails dug into my palms. That is the torture i lived with when alone, so I didnt want to be left alone, I didnt want her to leave me, at the same time I couldn't give her all of me, because to me, I had nothing to give, or what was left I couldn't let out.

I went home in april , afraid to walk into a house without my sister, but happy to be with family, I slowly began to come to terms with what was, and what is to be, but that slight peace was short lived, my niece passed away 3 days before my 20th b-day, and instead of celebrating, we buried wat had been a wonderful energetic little girl, only 6 years old, drowned in her own pool. Once again I was being dipped in boiling oil, the pain unbearable. I returned from the vac, and had really lost myself, i had become a fragment of the person i used to be, i didn't smile and i saw no reason to life and its endless torture. In losing my hope, I drifted from everyone around me, and just enclosed myself in my shell.

everyday was a struggle, doing a degree that i hate, a pain that wasn't fading, a world were i felt alone because no one could really understand. My brother was going through the same, but he had a new girlfriend, and his never been one to really show emotion, when my sister's 3 month anniversary came up, i saw him breakdown and fall apart, I didnt though, i gritted my teeth and kept it together and just let the pain rage within. He had his girlfriend to confide in and help him deal, he didnt look for me to confide in because above all else he had to be the bigger brother who was strong and would survive anything, truth is i'm the bigger brother who always puts him to bed and gets him out of trouble, i shud have done more to help him thought, maybe it would have helped me... funny enough, that is the day i lost B too.

A week before that 3 month anniversary, i had called her by my ex's name in a fit of rage, the 3rd time it had happend, the other 2 times had been while i was drunk, but this time i was dead sober, sure i had spent my day with my ex, campaigning against rape and sexual violence, but why those words came out I have no freaking idea. They helped sink the rest of my ship....

We had 3 huge fights this term, and the person i had become had begun to constantly make her sad and she couldn't take anymore, and the nite of the anniversary she didn't go out of her way to make me dance with her, nor did she really pay me much attention after i stormed out after my drunk and crying brother, when i returned she was happy and going wild on a table with friends and hadnt been that happy n crazy in a while. I thought to myself, i used to put that smile on her face. when she said she would be going home with her girls, regardless of that they were drunk, i thought she would be once again there to hold me on the worst day of the month, she wasn't, and no longer planned to be. I went home knowing that things weren't right and feeling more alone than before, she wasn't just a space filler, subconscienciously i was attached to her and did/do like her very much, i just couldn't bring myself to let her in fully and i couldn't ask her out even when i knew she wanted me too, besides the fact that i was being a completely stranger most of the time.

so yeah, that was my next loss, the wonderful girl who i knew would be the only girl i would date for the rest of my time at rhodes. Ladies of rhodes , don't get me wrong, it isnt that you aren't great, I just don't think any are as strong willed, independent, stubborn, yet fun loving, crazy, beautiful, intelligent, graceful and have their own spotlight and fame and turn heads without effort. I had found the girl that could stand up to me, and not stand behind me but stand besides me. She didn't need me, we complemented each other and were able to set the club and any room we walked into on fire.

See the part that says, she didnt need me, thats the part that really sucked ass, coz she doesnt need me, and has now turned me down repeatedly. I know she likes me, but she couldn't take it anymore and she will never want to get that attached to me again, it hurts and i hate that i let such a golden chance go, but that i guess is the painfull reward for my stupidity and stubborness and refusal to open up to the one person who i wanted to be there, and the person who was more than ready to become a large part of my life. I only realised how much I really cared when she had walked away

Then to top it all of really, i lost a good friend who i went to high school with to alcohol poisonening 3 weeks ago.

I had never understood what it truly was like to want someone to be there to just talk to you, I didnt have B, and I didnt have anyone else, i just had me. I set and drank to Zwelethu on my own. ok everyone had exams, and no-one could afford to take a nite off and listen to me, but i had an exam too, and had no choice but to take a nite or 5 off... i walked into accounting with minimal studying and wasnt ready for it, im sure i'll be doing it again next year, but yeah thats that.

so yeah, thats my sad story, ive lost my sister, my niece, my good friend, my only real chance for companionship for the next 3 years, and myself.....

so do u think you are going through hell, you have no idea....

Sundays , our punishment for living

If there is a day that could cause you to go stack raving mad, it's sunday!!! Sunday means you either have to go back to work or if you are the unlucky scholar, you have to do the work you put off on friday and saturday so you could go out partying or so you could sit and watch the marvel of boredom that is dstv!!.

Sunday is the day you read the newspaper, bake or attempt to bake something that resembles a cake( and tastes like ash), lounge around flipping channels, hanging with a few friends who are as bored as you are, watching soccer, washing cars and if you are like most rhodes students, recovering from a hang over while trying to do the work you have due the next day. The worst sundays are the rainy ones, not only are you bored out of your skull, it has to rain so you are confined to your house, not like you were going to go anywhere, but you like knowing you have the liberty to go and walk around aimlessly at the mall.

Only thing you can look forward to on sunday is going to church to drink free wine. O.k fine , they only let you have a sip, but ive always wanted to grab the whole cup and make a run for it. I'm sure those priests love alcohol so much they would spear tackle me before I make the door. Would be hard to explain that one to GOD on judgement day, mmmmmmh, 'Lord i was really thirsty and you provided a whole cup, they just didn't want to let me have it!!!'

Facebook is the bane of my existence, I'm chatting to people on it and trying to type out this blog, while replying to numerous wall posts..Question? what did people do with their spare time before facebook?? People have been fired from work for facebooking during hours, SASOL have blocked facebook on their company pc's, so have many other companies. Even certain government institutions have, what the hell would a minister be doing on facebook anyhow?? But once again, given the ANC's tendency to throw lavish parties...LOL could just see Jacob Zuma tagging Manto after a huge boot, and the comment would be, 'awe doc beetroot i see you getting down ntwana!!!' HAHAHAHAHAHA, must have been a laugh when Thabo got sacked from ANC presidency, Jacob must have had numerous wall posts, all the butt kissers and his adoring fans.

Just so you all know, I think his the biggest idiot this side of the equator, George Bush is holding down the other side! Talking about Bush , did you all see his mutant like reactions when the Iraqi journalist threw shoes at him. It's obvious he played quite a bit of dodge ball as a kid. The journalist though obviously didn't think out his escape plan, or he didn't read up on what would happen to him. In Islam culture , throwing a shoe at someone is the worst possible insult you could cast upon them, and their law states that all visiting heads of state are to be awarded a status similar to their president , his throwing of the shoe was equivalent to that of a goat biting the alpha males tail in a pride of hungry lions....His going to jail for 15 years...for throwing a shoe!!

He should have tried that with Mugabe, they would have been no trial, he wouldn't have seen day light again. They would beat and torture him for information that he doesn't have obviously, cut his testicles off, and burn his ass before half drowning him in a sack over a bridge. He wouldn't be killed because the international community would be watching. But seeing as an attempt at Mugabe's life is punished by death by hanging, it wouldn't make much of a difference. How do i know about all these torture techniques, well my weed guy in zim was a C.I.D, kinda like the F.B.I of zim. He lived down the street, very nice guy, but very lethal, i was convinced he could kill with his pinky finger!! But like every zim person, he was making money on the side doing illegal stuff because he knew how to beat the system, and when he got drunk he told a few of us of the nasty things he had done to certain people.


O.k, i knew some wacky people, but it made my life that much more colourful. I don't look to know such people, i just somehow become friends with them. For example, my aunt owned a nightclub in zim, she hired a bouncer, Vacks, we became good friends because he was a wacky guy who loved cars, good music and had a thing for short girls. He later told us he was a presidential body guard, we all thought he was joking and that he was just a gym monkey, till he tore a guyz stomach open with his bare hand, and kicked the other guys teeth out in one swift jet li move. You don't see people move like that except for in the movies.

Anyhow, I'm starving , it's like 23.15 and i haven't had anything to eat since noon, time to go raid the fridge, omelette du fromage anyone???

Its BEEN A SECOND

Firstly to those that follow my blogs religiously, im terribly sorry for going M.I.A for so long. I went to Durban for a week, and when I came back my familia had invaded my house and the good times just kept flowing. My cousins are absolutely insane, that's one thing that certainly runs in my family, INSANITY...From downing drinks at 11a.m knowing we have to show up at home sober as a priest on a monday afternoon, to getting cars impounded, what a holiday, definately one of my best ever.

IN the stale, left over spirit of x-mas cheer, HAPPY NEW YEARS everyone, I do hope it will be a prosperous and toning year for all. WHY toning you may ask? simply because I think obesity is becoming an issue in South Africa. Just open your eyes to the number of over weight kids in the mall. PARENTS, they arent lil piglets to be fed when ever they oink. No really , you might think i'm mean and i don't like fat people, but seriously, they are so many overweight people out there. EAT YOUR DAMN GREENS, get bio slim for your b-day instead of a huge cake, buy gym equipment instead of playstations and fancy hand bags ladies!!!

Jogging isn't the only way to lose weight, do some sit ups, push ups, squats, butterflies, we all did these small exercises in prep school during physical education...STOP BEING LAZY, its no excuse for being overweight.

Alrite then, now that i've taken a wack at the PORKIES of this world, lets move on to an interesting topic,' EVIL WAY TO DUMP YOUR PARTNER...'
This topic came up the other day when I was chatting to a frend. Here is a great way to hurt someone who has hurt you....:

MY absolute favourite....A sticky note on the door, or fridge, or a noticeboard in a residence or at work....Just imagine walking up, think 'OH thats weird don't remember leaving a sticky note' then reading, 'dear EX of mine, ITS NOT ME, ITS YOU, I'm tired of faking the moaning and groaning, bye, forever, don't call me.

(lol) imagine your boss reading you the sticky note after finding it on the staff noticeboard....

CRUEL

I don't think I could ever do that to someone, but I think a modern way of being very hurtful is dumping a person on facebook. Believe it or not, it does happen, And i certainly know a few people its happened to. I WOULD HUNT YOU DOWN IF YOU DUMPED ME ON FACEBOOK....Angry wouldn't be the word to describe the raging fury that would be unleashed upon that unfortunate soul...

k, lets move on...I've had so many thoughts about what to put on a blog lately, but I can't pick any that's better than the other....

I've recently realised being single is the good life. Love is great, flings are fun, but relationships are very serious. Ever realise how you feel obligated to do certain things in a relationship. The same place you loved going to when you were single to see that someone you have your eye on, becomes the place YOU HAVE to go to see them once you start going out. You suddenly feel bad when you forget to send an sms, you have to MAKE time in your schedule to see them, its no longer unplanned random meetings, its 'what time will I see you tomorrow,' not a, WILL I SEE YOU TOMORROW.....
YOU start filtering your speech, you can't flirt freely and openly with every girl in sight, you can't hang with your boys till 2a.m with her waiting on you.

They are a few couples who have very free and open ,mature relationships which don't suffer from such choking problems.... but i guess when you love someone enough it's a joy to fit them in to your schedule everyday ......I was terrible at that, went to visit my ex 4 or 5 times in 7 months....I wasn't very considerate back then, wonder why she put up with it.....

The more i think about it the more i realise I'm becoming allergic to relatonships. Or at least fear them more than I used to....

I'm fallin asleep here....think I'l leave this blog as is....definately not at my best, but you know I've got you thinking.

Rantings

I'm staring at a half empty bottle of medicine. I've near emptied this bottle in 2 hours, and I went through one this morning. Am i going to die? or will my throat heal? No genius, I'm not suicidal, lozenges taste nice after a while. The label reads, 'suck one tablet 3 hourly as needed.' I decided to do a bit of selective reading, I only saw, 'suck one tablet as needed.' Seeing as i need them continuously to keep my throat from becoming as raw as a cannibal's steak, I suck one every other 3 minutes.
Lozenges, they are a hell of a drug.

Yooooh, being home doing NOTHING, in WHITERIVER, is shockingly boring! Seriously, it's so bad, I've been experimenting with home made bombs. Just need some chlorine to make the bang a bit louder, and I'll be well on my way towards being Osama's secretary. There's just one part I don't like about home made bombs, unlike the firecrackers you buy at a retail shop, or the military issue bombs, they don't have a fuse or detonator. Most suicide bombers usually have a finger or two missing, premature detonation is a common thing when you use handy Andy and jik extracts to make a bomb. I'm not looking to kill anyone, just need to know how to make a bomb for general knowledge. In case anyone of you ever piss me off, or I decide to run for president and try and take out someone personally.

Most of my friends are looking forward to seeing the freshmen next year. The males ones that is, it's hunting season gentleman, and the single guyz will be looking to get their fair share of meat. First year guys better go and enjoy themselves during o-week. Although that's impossible for most of them, besides the fact that most will look like lost sheep, they spend the most part of o-week tanked out of their minds. Then the experienced seniors come through on the back end of o-week, with sweet charm, knowledge of where the bathroom is, and a talent to pick out the girls like Micheal Jackson picks lil boys in a orphanage.

The first year craze isn't exactly something I can relate to. I haven't gone out with anyone younger than me ever, had a long term fling with a girl younger than me, but she's in my year, and her maturity level is greater than a 24 year old. It's annoying to try and have a conversation with someone who isn't as mature as you are. Imagine talking about the greater meaning to music, and how the lyrics to some song hold deep meaning and she looks at you and goes, 'ya, i like the lead singers hair.' They are some immature retarded girls out there, they usually are as hot as hell, but retarded none the less. I mean if I could go out and get a hot dumb ass girl and she said nothing the whole night, that would be great. If they just kept quiet, just laughed at my lame jokes, made out with me and went away, that would be great.
BUT , they have to talk, they have to say something retarded, some huge turnoff like,' your tongue feels like wiggly soft toes.' B"*$£ what the hell were you doing sucking toes!! How am I supposed to continue a night with stuff like that.

Anywho, That's all for today folks, I'm hungry, need to feed the monster within...

Random evening with the cripple to be

WHITERIVER is slowly draining the life out of me!!! I think I'm hyperactive cause sitting at home just isn't doing it for me. You can only watch DStv for so long, and my gosh can it be boring. Anyone ever notice that its so possible for all 151 channels to all be showing absolute crap at the same time. It's a plot to bore me to death.

BUT BUT, there was some action today....New Zealand demolished England 32-6 in the rugby and were very unlucky not to win by more. I'm sure all you springbok supporters are cursing my existence, well kiss ALL BLACK ass!! I'm as patriotic as the next South African, i just happen to support New Zealand in rugby, Australia in cricket, ARSENAL in football and Kimi and not necessarily Ferrari in formula one.....You might wonder why the last two are relevant to international sport, well if you've noticed most South Africans support Manchester United, and Ferrari, and recently that Black boy Lewis 'the championship stealer' Hamilton.

I'm not a South African supporter because i lived in Zimbabwe for quite a while, and South Africa always disrespected all our national teams, sending their 3rd string rugby side to play Zim. I don't care if the first team would have mauled them 200 - 0, it at least shows some sort of respect. Also my brother is a supporter of Manchester, the boks and all things South African, and seeing as he bullied my tiny self for years i choose to support everything he didn't.

The tables have turned though, his smaller than me now, weighs less, looks worse, and drinks more, so what goes around does come around, unfortunately we don't fight anymore, I'd have loved to show him a combo that Tyson would be very proud of. Violence is no longer the way forward, instead i jab with my razor sharp armour piercing mental spear. I'm not twisted or evil, i just know what to say when I need to make you feel pain and anger. Human emotion is predictable and easy to bring out if you pay attention to people's reactions. Although I can use my words to hurt, I often use them for good too, like making girls blush when I complement their beauty with a silky smoothness that leaves them wondering if I am man or Demi-god....OK, maybe blowing my own horn there a bit, but its not like YOU are going to blow it for me so back off and shut your jaws.

UUUh, I have a dilemma. What would you choose, pain coupled with popping some strong painkillers which leave u with a high effect, or going for surgery, spending about a month in hospital, another or more in crutches while going for therapy to teach that one leg to do what it has been doing for 19 damn years. Imagine looking down at your leg and asking it to follow the left legs lead, pleading with it to move, might have to bribe it with a promise of a foot massage and possibility of getting it a pair of crocs for Christmas......( by the bloody way, do you own a pair of crocs? If you do ,what's wrong with you, they look horrible and cost a fortune, since when has plastic with holes cost R400!! shame on you, but I command your bravery for walking out in those, or even facing your mirror).Anyhow that's the choice I face, a life of pain, or surgery and struggle for a few months after and probably Christmas in bed, and missing the great new years party we had planned!! O.k maybe I'll get the surgery straight after the party, that wouldn't be so bad. Not like I have anything to do in January anyhow.

While I'm ripping at all the croc-wearers, I might as well take a rip at all the jean dropping, wanna-be gangsters. What in Santa's name makes you think it's cool to drop your pants? Like showing the world your underwear makes you gangster. Now lets evaluate the pros and cons of dropping your pants...
PROS......
1. Your idiotic friends, who are nearly as big enough losers as you think you are 'cool,' sheep!
2. Wait for it, wait for it,........ah......nope.....I got nothing,(IF you 'thugs' come up with something, put it as a comment, I'll be sure to publish a retraction, as if, this ain't the Sunday Times!!)
Cons..
( I'll try and limit them, trust me they are that many)
1. Lets start with the gangster cons, 'niggas' and 'wiggas'(you know yourselves), if shit gets real, and the cops show up, RUNNING BECOMES DIFFICULT WITH YOUR JEANS WRAPPED AROUND YOUR KNEES. I don't care how gangster you are, you see the 5-0(a.k.a the popo, men in blue, pigs, feds, my worst nightmare, bribe takers..etc) you run like the spirit of your long dead messenger great ancestor has possessed you. If you are white, and don't have one of these, then run like you discovered a new island..(we know blacks didn't discover shit, intentionally).
2. GIRLS DO NOT FIND IT ATTRACTIVE. no girl in her right mind could possibly find dropped jeans attractive, unless you are out looking for the gangster girls who will stab you for suggesting you take a break from your relationship, then go right ahead.
3. THE BEST RAPPERS DON'T DROP THEIR PANTS, ever seen Jay-z with his pants dropped?, Lil Wayne maybe, but that's o.k for a guy who mumbles through kiddy rhymes in all his songs.
4. NAME ONE WEALTHY MAN WHO DROPS HIS PANTS, can you imagine Bill Gates stepping into the board room with his pants dropped yelling 'yo yo yo my cash money hommies.' Exactly, impossible.
5. IT defies the purpose of wearing pants if it looks like you just want your boxers to show. Wear boxers, long socks made of jean material and sneakers instead.

For the sake of keeping my readers from going into a fit of boredom, or hunting you pant dropping fools down, I'll move on.

You know what's cool, besides me, TATTOOS. Gosh I want one, but I'm not sure what of. Maybe a huge V on my back, with snakes, panthers, lions and other deadly animals wrapped around it. But i guess that wouldn't signify much, just that I'm V and I like scary animals. That isn't exactly what I'm aiming for. I'm looking for something I can be proud of, something that represents the struggle that has been my life, and has significant meaning to me and also serves as a reminder of the great people I've lost. How's about Gandhi holding a black rose in one hand, and a white shining sword in the other? Black rose representing death and pain, Gandhi himself a symbol of strong belief and determination to make a difference even though he had to go on a major diet to get noticed, and the white sword a sign of the peace to be achieved through fighting on, and showing my willingness to continue in life and never giving up!!!
Brilliant isn't it..If I find out anyone has one of those, they are sooooo going down!!!

I should copyright all my ideas from now on, before one of you gets rich from one of my suggestions.

Anyhow, I have to cook my own supper, ribs and chips here I come...

The opposite sex, love, relationships and everything inbetween

If you are a normal person, without serious mental and emotional issues, like bankruptcy, family feuds and running away from the debt collectors, then THE OPPOSITE SEX is the dominate time consumer in your life... Ladies, you all are a miracle and absolute curse to men...well most men, GAY guys, this isn't the blog for you. Whether we are chasing just your ass or the more mature and advanced of us who seek companionship and love, we essentially want you as much as you want us. Notice I said WANT and not NEED. Needs are necessary to survival, your species just enhances it.
Firstly let’s address the issue of attraction. PLEASE do not call me shallow for saying its looks first, then the personality and understanding later. THE DIFFERENCE IS PREFERENCE, some guys prefer girls with skinny model like bodies, some like curves and a few like fat and wobbling asses. I just happen to like them with my version of hotness. Yeah so the girls I date are considered very hot by the majority of the population, the minority being the blind people who I can forgive. But as I said that’s my preference, just as some prefer LEVI to NIKE.

But don't think you hotties can just step up and think I’m going to give you a chance; it's certainly not that simple. I look for a complex personality, one that I can't figure out or categorize into one type of girl. Need a girl who’s smart, crazy, adventurous yet reasonable, thoughtful, caring and has a different and objective perception of the world.

Dating......is it overrated? Is it more of a hustle than it's worth or is it a matter of give and take in an effort to have a near fairytale relationship. Sadly dating is simple, and has a worse success rate than marriage, which in itself is at an unimpressive 48%!!!! Imagine giving your life to someone to have a less than 1 in 2 chance of the marriage surviving, isn't that a crappy situation to be in... Dating is even worse; it has a lesser chance of working out. Worse than the chance of getting tails on the flip of a coin.

I recently had a near 2 and a half year relationship fail, not because of the female species, but my own problems with trust and issues that deserve a book on their own. It was near perfect; she loved, or loves me with a passion that I could not begin to describe. Our relationship worked because of one essential thing, we were friends and not just a couple.

That's the problem; too many people go into relationships seeking the general status of having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. The need to just have someone to put on your arm and look good with in public and to satisfy the craving of physical touch. We all need to know we are wanted, and some crave that attention. That leads to a superficial relationship that doesn't last because past the physical part, you hardly know each other or what the other wants, you don't understand each other’s emotions. I mean they are guys who can't even tell after 10mins of speaking to a girl they have been with for 6 months whether or not she is on her period.....I'm not saying that’s a true measure of how well you know a person but it’s certainly a bit of an indicator of some sort of knowledge of your lady friend.

LOVE....mmh, now there's a certainly interesting topic. Who can define love, and how long does it take for one to be INLOVE??????????? What is the difference between being in love and loving someone????? To love is to regard something or someone with affection that is tender and true, this may arise from being family members, or being part of a nation or team.
To be in love , is to passionately, wholly and truly love and want to be with someone.....Thus there is a large difference between loving someone and being in love with someone

Personally if a person tells you they are in love with you after a month of knowing you, I think they are talking shit! Being in love is different from loving as I stated above. After a month are you willing to trust that someone can put you before themselves and would honestly exchange their life for yours?????The guy or girl hardly knows what your favourite colour is, and it's more than certain you have mentioned it more than once, and if they haven't asked that cliché question yet, then they truly aren't in love with you, and neither do they know what it means to be in love.
At that point, you proceed to kick them out, or walk out.....

Ladies, have you noticed how guys are always first to rush into saying they are 'in love' with you....in other words, they want to rip your panties off and pleasure themselves....NOTICE, once again, I said THEMSELVES.....This is the part of the blog were all my player friends curse me as the bane of their existence....forgive me hommies, for this is an unbiased blog, i'll pimp you guys out sometime next week. And to those going,' this nigga has gone gay,' showing emotion doesn't mean you aren't manly. Contrary to those that believe being emotional is gay and not manly, you are sorely mistaken chaps. CONTROL of your emotion determines how manly you are, not being devoid of all emotion!!.....That my unenlightened, egotistic, ball rolling, manly friends, is what being a true man is about. STOISISM, that is what I have just defined, the ability to control all emotion, a common practice amongst the Roman leaders who defined a man by his ability to remain dignified and calm in all situations. That does not mean they lacked emotion and became cold hearted, insensitive idiots. And as far as I’m concerned they were the manliest males to ever grace the earth. Except for their slight ego trip...

Back to the ladies, most guys say they are in love because they want you to think they care for no-one else but you. For you to feel so special that you can't help but gift them with the great glory of slipping between your legs. And why did I say those type of guys look to pleasure themselves? For those ladies who have had sex, if a guy makes no attempt at kissing you during foreplay or sex , or worse off after you have had sex, he doesn't care much about you. Secondly if a guy doesn't attempt to pleasure you as much as possible before going to full on sex, he obviously doesn't know that it takes longer for girls to reach climax than do guys, and certainly cares very little about you getting there. His in it for himself. So be careful about who you fall for girls, and certainly don't just split your legs to every idiot who says you are his world.

WOW, just realised I’ve drank more than 8 litres of dilution in two days, I drink more soft drinks than I do plain water. Then again who doesn't right? Sorry, had to get a snack, so my train of thought has eluded me. Who’s seen the new longer lunch bars, pretty neat how they've given us an extra quarter length, for about the same price....That just for now, I’m sure as soon as the promotion is over, it will be nearly twice the price of a normal bar. JOYUS day, the price of fuel is going to come down by another R1.33 that means it will be about 6.95 a litre... Hard to believe it was at 10.95 just two and a half months ago.
I'm from zim ok, not used to prices going down, just floating upwards at rocket rates.....back to the subject at hand...

So, can you trust someone fully, with your life, and always be 100% sure they will put your needs before their own? I think we should not fear loving, or falling in love. It's painful yes, and it hurts so much when it ends that you feel like ripping your own heart out to stop it from hurting...Trust me, I’ve been there. This quote does it for me; it simply states why we carry on putting ourselves out there to be hurt.

"Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration." - D. H. Lawrence

But do not be ignorant and just fall in love without knowing the person very well, the pain is only worth it when what you share ends untainted by hate and regret and you can look back and be glad to have gone out with the person regardless of the copious amount of pain that the end of the relationship brought.

The end of a relationship in which two people were truly in love does not mean that they stop loving each other, refer to my two definitions above...ok if you don't understand why, I’ll educate you. Simply put, time can fade passion but it cannot fade affection or admiration of certain characteristics that a person possesses. Thus if they have not changed dramatically, you will still love who they are even after years of being apart. Possibly some of the passion will never die and you will feel it whenever you see each other. It is accepting this and not trying to fight it that leads to truly moving on.

It is more than possible that you will feel more passionately about someone else without forgetting the other... so the goal is not to try and forget, but instead to accept the state of affairs.

That last paragraph is essentially what I've resolved to do with my ex-girlfriend instead of running off to another university or country as I contemplated before.

Good luck to all of you, may your hearts be full of joy and may you survive the torture and gift that is love, relationships and everything in between