hell, you have no idea

HELL.. that is a serious euphemism compared to what I have gone through. I haven't been fully functional in months, hence I haven't posted anything for months. When I found out my leg was permanently messed up and I would need surgery every 5 years, couldn't play sport, and would forever walk in pain, I thought life was being such a bitch to me, Little did I know that the expression, 'IT CAN'T GET WORSE THAN THIS' was sooooooo far from being right, it might as well have been on mars.

please understand I seek no-ones' pity, nor do i need anyone to understand what i am going through, I type it all out because at some level it helps me let go and deal. So does jack daniels and strong painkillers but that's just irrelevant.

So in about 3 and a half months I've lived through the pain of losing my sister, my niece and a good friend, all very suddenly and without warning. Most people would have seeked out help and maybe quit school for a while, or hung themselves or just fallen out of sync with themselves and have gone mad. Trust me we all think we can imagine the pain of losing a sibling, its unlike anything i could ever express, or accurately describe. It's frankly like trying to explain to a blind man what the last supper looks like, no matter how much detail you give, his constant haze of darkness and a lack of knowledge as to what the colour pink looks like, he could never understand.

I'm not one to get overly emotional, or to lose control easily, but one thing is for certain, when i heard the news, I was beyond stunned, I was walking on the sidewalk when my dad gave me the call, his tone usually gives nothing away, be it the joy of buying a new car, or being hijacked, he has a way of staying calm in all situations, but when I heard that sad undertone, I knew nothing was right in the world, because the solid immovable rock in my world was cracking. My good friend Martin was standing next to me, when I hung up, he looked at me and asked what was wrong, I took two steps and looked and at him and told him my sister was dead. I honestly think that is one of the worst places to be as a friend, you don't know what to say really, saying sorry just doesnt seem enough, saying nothing isn't an option, so you try and not seem completely at odds, so you keep saying you are sorry and inquire as to how the person passed away...

I was finally at peace, I had an awesome o-week, i was starting a new year and excited to be in some sort of intimate relationship, which wasn't dating, with a friend of mine. We had agreed that we would just be friends this year, but we ended up in each others arms the first day we saw each other after the vac. We happened unexpectedly and in a modern fairytale type romance (my version), we were to end in one too, to be explained later....

I was the unparticipating reason for the problems between my ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend , no matter who you are you know you love knowing someone out there still has the hearts for you. Call me evil but I get my kicks from all kinds of nasty things, like someone getting hit by a bus.

I had awards lined up, wasn't paying fees and my rents were giving me a bonus for not having to pay my fees, I was happy and most of all I had the ability to change the atmosphere in a room, and make everyone smile and laugh without effort.

As i walked to my res in absolute shock, everything was nothing to me, and hapiness became a myth for my world had been emmenced in pain and emptiness. My sister, gone, GONE. I grappled with the last memory I had of her, standing in the garage waving as we pulled out of the drive way and left for the airport at the end of january.

'Get strong and don't want you sleeping the whole day, so we can boot when i get back'.....last words i ever said to her. I'l never forget them, because as we left, I knew it was quite possible that we would be back before april to bury her, I told my brother just that at the airport and her agreed.

I hate being right sometimes, that was certainly one of the times. My world fell apart, my frends gather around me, they all came to see me, and they bought drinks, and like true rhodes students we did the one thing we could do in the situation, sit and drink.

I remember calling my then fling/friend/from public view girlfriend/ otherwise know as B or Bulelwa, asking her to come to my res as soon as possible. She asked what was wrong, I couldn't explain, i just asked her to hurry. Sure enough, 15 mins later she came up the stairs with vuyelwa in tow, hugged and held on to me as I whispered 'she's gone.' She knew immediately what i was talking about and didn't let go till i was ready to. With a single tear rolling down my cheek i smiled and said 'BMF' and opened my arms to hug vuyelwa, (bmf means BLACK MADA FUCKER', said in a nigerian accent, club incident). I hated having to tell anyone really, i hated having them in the uncomfortable situation of sitting in my room as i paced up and down trying to come to terms, not even terms, just trying to comprehend that a person who had been declared as ready to leave hospital the next day had passed away, just like that!!

The flight home, the funeral, the few days i spent at home after, all seem unreal , infact I honestly can say the rest of the year has just been a blur, its like when she died my conscious mind died too, and i have lived life in the same manner as people dream, in more of a viewers spot, with no control, just lost in sorrow, sadness, pain and unending torture and fear.

Looking at her in that coffin, peaceful and pale was something i had not prepared myself for, I brokedown inside, not one tear rolled down my cheek because behind me was my older sister and brother, and i knew i had to keep it together for their sakes at least, my sister was a flood of tears, she buried herself in my shoulder and just asked why!!!

Why is something i can't explain, but it is the reality of the world, the painful, gut wrenching, tooth pulling reality of the world.
In a world where you are surround by people, it is possible to feel alone and to be alone. And that is what i turned to, my world of safety, a world of passive participation in everything and one where I did the best to try and hide the pain and anguish I have been living in. They are things that I havent excepted, things I havent told people. and things I won't be able to type out, because they are a raw and sensitive nerve and cause such pain, anger and emotion that even you would be overwhelmed.

So I barely lived from day to day, with people doing their best to be sensitive to me, to give me their attention and to be as kind to me as they could be. B did her best to be there for me, holding me til I slept, being there everyday, anytime I called and patiently waiting for me to open up and let her in so she could help me. You did more than you could imagine, I did breakdown and you were there to hold me and talk and listen when i needed it most. You opened up to me, and let your world slowly merge with mine.

But i never really let anyone in, I did my absolute best to control my emotions, or at least my version of wat i felt was control. I hide emotion and sadness behind a mask of frankness and anger, quirkiness and sharp comments and comebacks. I let my emotions spill over in my arguments and little fights. That is the bulk of what she got from me, i changed from the fun loving, entertaining, jokeful, careless person i was, and became a bitter, anguished, short-tempered and explosive person.

She bared it all, in the many months we spent getting to know each other she never did see this side, the side with the potential to be cold, evil and uncaring....

I argued with her everyday, I forced my opinion on her and anyone else because I wanted no-one to have a say in what i thought, and even in what i thought was right. Because in my mind if you could change what i thought or what i believed, you could infiltrate the wall that protects, or more rightfully so shielded my emotions.
SO yeah I gave everyone the ' i'm fine' statement , I began going out again, drinking, attending lectures, and fake smiling. Everyone thought I was fine, she knew i wasn't and suggested i do get some help, I never did, and I do regret it.

Sleeping became a nightmare, but by seeing her face on most nites i was lucky enough to overcome my insomnia and actually pass out. When alone, I spent many nites in quiet and darkness, sitting, thinking, hurting, and sometimes crying and folding my fists soo hard my nails dug into my palms. That is the torture i lived with when alone, so I didnt want to be left alone, I didnt want her to leave me, at the same time I couldn't give her all of me, because to me, I had nothing to give, or what was left I couldn't let out.

I went home in april , afraid to walk into a house without my sister, but happy to be with family, I slowly began to come to terms with what was, and what is to be, but that slight peace was short lived, my niece passed away 3 days before my 20th b-day, and instead of celebrating, we buried wat had been a wonderful energetic little girl, only 6 years old, drowned in her own pool. Once again I was being dipped in boiling oil, the pain unbearable. I returned from the vac, and had really lost myself, i had become a fragment of the person i used to be, i didn't smile and i saw no reason to life and its endless torture. In losing my hope, I drifted from everyone around me, and just enclosed myself in my shell.

everyday was a struggle, doing a degree that i hate, a pain that wasn't fading, a world were i felt alone because no one could really understand. My brother was going through the same, but he had a new girlfriend, and his never been one to really show emotion, when my sister's 3 month anniversary came up, i saw him breakdown and fall apart, I didnt though, i gritted my teeth and kept it together and just let the pain rage within. He had his girlfriend to confide in and help him deal, he didnt look for me to confide in because above all else he had to be the bigger brother who was strong and would survive anything, truth is i'm the bigger brother who always puts him to bed and gets him out of trouble, i shud have done more to help him thought, maybe it would have helped me... funny enough, that is the day i lost B too.

A week before that 3 month anniversary, i had called her by my ex's name in a fit of rage, the 3rd time it had happend, the other 2 times had been while i was drunk, but this time i was dead sober, sure i had spent my day with my ex, campaigning against rape and sexual violence, but why those words came out I have no freaking idea. They helped sink the rest of my ship....

We had 3 huge fights this term, and the person i had become had begun to constantly make her sad and she couldn't take anymore, and the nite of the anniversary she didn't go out of her way to make me dance with her, nor did she really pay me much attention after i stormed out after my drunk and crying brother, when i returned she was happy and going wild on a table with friends and hadnt been that happy n crazy in a while. I thought to myself, i used to put that smile on her face. when she said she would be going home with her girls, regardless of that they were drunk, i thought she would be once again there to hold me on the worst day of the month, she wasn't, and no longer planned to be. I went home knowing that things weren't right and feeling more alone than before, she wasn't just a space filler, subconscienciously i was attached to her and did/do like her very much, i just couldn't bring myself to let her in fully and i couldn't ask her out even when i knew she wanted me too, besides the fact that i was being a completely stranger most of the time.

so yeah, that was my next loss, the wonderful girl who i knew would be the only girl i would date for the rest of my time at rhodes. Ladies of rhodes , don't get me wrong, it isnt that you aren't great, I just don't think any are as strong willed, independent, stubborn, yet fun loving, crazy, beautiful, intelligent, graceful and have their own spotlight and fame and turn heads without effort. I had found the girl that could stand up to me, and not stand behind me but stand besides me. She didn't need me, we complemented each other and were able to set the club and any room we walked into on fire.

See the part that says, she didnt need me, thats the part that really sucked ass, coz she doesnt need me, and has now turned me down repeatedly. I know she likes me, but she couldn't take it anymore and she will never want to get that attached to me again, it hurts and i hate that i let such a golden chance go, but that i guess is the painfull reward for my stupidity and stubborness and refusal to open up to the one person who i wanted to be there, and the person who was more than ready to become a large part of my life. I only realised how much I really cared when she had walked away

Then to top it all of really, i lost a good friend who i went to high school with to alcohol poisonening 3 weeks ago.

I had never understood what it truly was like to want someone to be there to just talk to you, I didnt have B, and I didnt have anyone else, i just had me. I set and drank to Zwelethu on my own. ok everyone had exams, and no-one could afford to take a nite off and listen to me, but i had an exam too, and had no choice but to take a nite or 5 off... i walked into accounting with minimal studying and wasnt ready for it, im sure i'll be doing it again next year, but yeah thats that.

so yeah, thats my sad story, ive lost my sister, my niece, my good friend, my only real chance for companionship for the next 3 years, and myself.....

so do u think you are going through hell, you have no idea....